This is not my ceiling
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The beer is more important than you right now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
