Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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