Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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