stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
