i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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