Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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