They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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