i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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