saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish you could order shots online.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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