why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
