Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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