I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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