You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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