sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize