final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
