Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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