you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize