Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They took my balls.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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