Yo dont text me then not text me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
