just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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