When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
