Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
