just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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