So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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