Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
