it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
