I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
