battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
