im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
