I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
