This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Are we still banned from the library?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
