You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
