I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
