The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
