I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
