shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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