i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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