Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize