i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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