She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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