Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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