Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
