I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
