watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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