I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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