I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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