Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
