Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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