Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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