New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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