and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
