I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
