Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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