Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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